Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize