dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize