mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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