I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
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