Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Randomize