I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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