She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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