I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
