I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just found puke in my bra..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
