My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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