Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
