I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
