its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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