I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
