at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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