I'm gonna have a badass scar
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize