I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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