i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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