"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize