The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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