If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
