First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
