If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
soo... how was my night?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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