You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
