I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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