textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
