Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
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