decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
