I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
