i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
