We're like a lot better than the average bears
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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