apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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