never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
