Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
