I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize