i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
