So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
