New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
