if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
