It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
