You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
