I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
last night I used snow as a chaser
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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