He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize