You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize