If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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