I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
