So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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