we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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