Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
