no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize