Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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