I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
