Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
