I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
