so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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