speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
