I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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