She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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