Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
