And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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