I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
