she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize