dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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