Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
