Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
where are my eyebrows?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
