Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
