Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
