dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
