just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
How external is "for external use only"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
