new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She's the barista slut.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize