There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
