If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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